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Sarah's Experience: Understanding A Asexual Identity

A 37-year-old woman: “I’ve never enjoyed sex. As a child, I thought flawed as everyone idealized it.”

The sole issue that Cameron and I have differed about is our sex life. After meeting nine years ago, physical intimacy was definitely something he desired on a regular basis than me. Around half a year of dating, we chose to pursue an open arrangement so that he could pursue partners who are more sexual than me.

Initially, there were feelings of jealousy initially, but our relationship was reinforced because honest talks, and I eventually felt completely safe in our love. It’s been a huge blessing for our relationship, as I have never craved sex. In my younger years, I thought broken since others put it on a pedestal, but I never really grasped what was so great about it.

Upon finding literature on asexuality online in 2021, it was deeply relatable. I felt surprised, because at that time I considered myself a someone with desire – I find solo sex satisfying, and I’d had a lot of sex in my 20s. But I feel I participated in much of that intimacy since I felt guilty – a remnant of being a teenager in a world that implies you have to meet others’ expectations.

This information taught me was that being asexual is a diverse continuum. For example, I lack urge, even for people who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I admire their beauty, but I do not wish to engage sexually with them. But I enjoy reaching climax. For me, it’s fun and it provides relief – a method to empty the mental clutter upstairs.

It was incredibly liberating to reveal to my partner that I am asexual. He understands. We sometimes be physical, since I feel deep connection as well as closeness to him when we do, and I am choosing intentionally when I desire to connect with him in that way. It’s not that I have a libido, but there are alternative purposes to engage sexually, such as wanting to be close. I notice his satisfaction, and that brings me joy. In the same way that a person who is sexual can decide to refrain from sex, I can decide to engage in intimacy for different purposes than sexual excitement.

His Viewpoint: Romance Beyond Physical Intimacy

A 36-year-old man: The fact that sex isn’t the focus does not imply that love is absent.”

Sex was once extremely significant to me. It was the source from which I derived plenty of my confidence. I was ill and in the hospital frequently in my youth, so sex evolved into a practice that I believed gave me control regarding my physique. That started to transform when I met my partner, as physical intimacy wasn’t the central focus for us.

In this relationship, I began seeing more value in alternative areas of my identity, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to engage sexually with anyone else currently. If I ever feel like having sex, I have alternative methods I can handle it. Solo sex is an option, but alternatively going for a stroll, thinking about what I’m feeling or engaging in art.

After Sarah realized her asexuality, I began to realise that attraction is primarily about shared feelings. That can come via physical intimacy, but additionally via other methods that are similarly important and gratifying. I had a specific idea of what asexuality was – if sex was absent, you didn’t ever experience desire. But it’s a spectrum, and it takes time to figure out your position on it.

We’ve been together for nine years, and the fact that intimacy isn’t a priority does not imply that romance is absent. Making specific time for romance is very important for our relationship. At times we buy complex building kits and do them a little bit each day, which feels deeply bonding. Or we plan a special night and go out for a special beverage and dinner. We embrace and set goals for the future, which is a way to show affection. I get much satisfaction from sharing food, and it makes me very content in a similar way to satisfied state.

This aspect has just expanded the concept of our bond. It resembles constraining the options at your disposal to use – it forces you to think innovatively with what you have. It encourages you to consider creatively. But it never reduced the affection that I feel for her whatsoever.