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I'm celebrating three months of sobriety and seeking advice on supporting my eleven-year-old neurodivergent son. Through rehabilitation and AA, I've reached this milestone, though my drinking escalated over the last couple of years. Before that, I was alcohol-free for the initial six years of his life.

The Impact of Past Challenges

In the final stages, my drinking was constant, and my son saw me unstable and deeply unhappy. He took on a sense of responsibility, believing he was the only one who could stop me from drinking by taking away bottles. I feel deeply regretful about this. I have often explained to him that only I can control my actions.

He lived with his father for several months—we separated five years ago, but his father is supportive of my sobriety. He returned back in with me when he started high school in September. Confidence between us is gradually building as he sees that I am not drinking and putting all my energy into getting better.

Present Difficulties and Emotions

My son remains overly watchful and anxious about my well-being. As a result, he is terribly controlling of my actions—partly due to anxiety about my drinking, but also because he is on the spectrum and uneasy about unexpected changes. I am working on self-assurance and boundaries; it's tempting to give in to his requests, but that isn't appropriate as a caregiver. It is hard as I also feel very remorseful.

I referred to Children’s Services while in rehab, and we are waiting for help for my son from local substance abuse support. In the meantime, I feel really at sea about how to talk with him. I aim not to make him upset, but I also wish not to overlook the previous events. In what way do we move forward?

Expert Advice on Recovery

Children need to feel safe, particularly after unpredictable times when they were uncertain if their parent could keep them safe. They may feel worried about bringing up these topics now. Kids often believe things are their fault—taking the blame rather than their guardians, as the alternative feels overwhelming. Autism can exacerbate these emotions.

People in the midst of addiction often make apologies they may not be able to fulfill. This makes it difficult for family members to determine what to believe.

It's common for those in addiction to make assurances they may not maintain. As a result, loved ones can find it challenging to trust them. In addition to limits, it's very crucial to be reliable and show your son that things are better, instead of just saying him.

Practical Steps for Dialogue and Support

Focus on him adjusting at his new school and establish a solid routine. Then, present the concept that any topic is forbidden—if that is indeed the case. Mealtimes can be a good time to chat, as can parallel activities like strolling or traveling, since they require minimal direct gazing, which individuals find too intense. Maybe there's an hobby you and your son like doing together? Don't think "we must talk," but seek opportunities for conversation and let them occur naturally. Also, consider your son's preferred method of communication—it may not be speaking; it could be through writing, or a combination of both.

It is essential for him to understand that his safe place besides home might be with his dad. You should avoid feeling hurt if he wants to go there sometimes. It doesn't mean you've failed—it's a journey that isn't linear.

Separating Your Needs from His Requirements

It's vital to distinguish your needs from your son's. Ensure you're not making him feel better to make yourself feel better—to absolve yourself—because you cannot do that through your son. You'll concentrate more effectively on what he requires if you have strong assistance yourself.

You're doing really well. Keep going.